Sparrington
by SmittyChittyBangBang
Summary: Ironically, this fic contains no slash, but does contain Captain Jack Sparrow and James Norrington exploring the wonderous world that is the POTC fandom. Heaven help them.
1. Slash

Well I'm back with another little dialogue fic! This time it's Norrington and Jack, exploring the wonderous world of fanfiction and fanart! I just got a kick about thinking of the contrasting reactions these two would have and had to write a fic about it. A little disclaimer: I myself am a Jack/Sea shipper, and I guess a Norrington/no-one-in-particular shipper, bless his heart, but I hope I don't offend any Sparrington, Speckett, Beckington, Turrington, Sperner, Sparrowstrap or what have you shippers. This is just my take on what Jack and Norrington would think of it, but pair up whoever you want. More power to ya!

If you want a specific time this is taking place, I suppose it could be when Norrington is on the Pearl during DMC, but it dosen't really have to be. Obviously there's a little suspension of disbelief invloved as Jack has a computer, but if that bugs you "_Just repeat to yourself it's just a fic, I should really just relax." _If anyone knows was show that was paraphrased from, I will love you and praise you and tell everyone how cool you are in the next chapter if people actually like this and I make another.

** ...  
And so we join Jack Sparrow and James Norrington in the captain's cabin of the _Black Pearl_ with Jack's shiny new laptop**

**...  
**

"Good God Sparrow, where did you steal that from?"

"I'll have you know that I came across by almost entirely honest means. Besides, what are you doing in my cabin?"

"You _told _me to come in here."

"Right. I knew that. You wouldn't happen to remember why, would you?"

_(sigh)_

"No matter. You can help me with my new toy."

"What do you intend to do with it?"

"Why, to lap from the unfathomably deep fountain of knowledge that is the internet of course."

"Of course."

"By the way, I'd prefer it if you made your eye rolls slightly more discreet."

"I'll work on that."

"Well then, what shall we expand our mental horizons on by looking up first?"

"How about finding a way of getting me off your Godforsaken shi-"

"Look up ourselves? Brilliant idea mate!"

"But I didn't-"

"Sparrow and Norrington. Hmm...that's interesting."

"What is?"

"All the results have our names combined. Sparrington. Ooo I found a story! 'Contains slash' What do you suppose that means?"

"No idea. Perhaps sword fighting?"

"Let me see...hhhrrrppphhh!"

"What?"

_(snicker)_

"What is it?"

"Well, there's sword fighting mate, but I don't think it's the kind you had in mind. Have a look!"

"What the- Oh good Lord! EXIT!"

"Alright, alright. Oh, here's a website with drawings! "

"Sparrow..."

"Let's see if they managed to capture my essence."

"I warning you Sparrow..."

_(SNORT)_

_(sigh)_ "Do I even want to look?"

"Probably not, but you will anyway."

"OH DEAR GOD!"

"Least they got my good side. All of it."

"Hurrmmpphh errr mmeeerrff"

"I can't hear a bloody word you say when you put your head in hands like that."

"I _said_, 'As if I hadn't been humiliated enough already!' Could this possibly get any worse?"

"You know that story?"

"Yes..."

"It wasn't the only one."

"Oh for the love of- I think I might be sick."

"Humph! They always make me such a tease..."

**Spotton...Gibbrow...Tarty...woo-boy I think I'm going off on a tangent now. Anyway, let me know what you thought and if you'd like Jack and James to have some more chats!**


	2. Spoilers

Back again with more Sparrington chats! Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed, I was so excited everyone enjoyed it so much! Congrats go out to Anonimoose for correctly guessing the phrase from last chapter came from the hilarious Mystery Science Theater 3000. Just as the title of this chapter suggests, there are some very vauge spoilers for the end of DMC, but nothing for AWE. And you can assume that the time period is the same as the last chapter. Oh and to anyone reading this who also reads JttF, I promise more is on the way! I haven't forgotten it! Well that's all I have for now, enjoy!

* * *

"I thought you'd like to know that we've altered course a few degrees east, and Gibbs and I thought the ship could take a few more sheets so-oh Lord Sparrow, are you _still _reading that God awful stuff?" 

"What, the slash? No, they all started sounding the same after the first hundred or so."

"Well then what are you looking-wait a moment, the first _hundred_? Just how many of those things are there?!"

"Well, would you prefer I round up to the nearest hundred, or thousand?"

"Actually, I think I'd prefer it if you bludgeoned me with the nearest blunt object you can find."

"That will have to wait a moment. I have something to show you."

"Absolutely not! I'm not looking at anything else on that infernal contraption of yours! I've learned my lesson from last time."

"Fine, I'll learn about our destinies on me own."

"Destinies?"(_sigh)_ "Very well Sparrow, you've won again. What are you talking about."

"One word mate. Spoilers."

"Spoilers?"

"Exactly. There are whole websites of them. Rumors from people all about what's going to happen in our futures."

"Well how in Heaven's name do they find that out?"

"Connections."

"Connections?"

"Really James, must I explain everything?"

"I'm afraid you'll have to."

"Well er, I can't really, but that doesn't make this any less of an incredible discovery. Let's just write it off as magic shall we? Now, time to find out how I manage to defy my miserable foes and, against all odds, sail gloriously off into the sunset."

"Well, if you actually manage to find out, do be sure not to inform me, as your little reminder about the slash has already left me nauseous enough for one day."

"Oh James, don't think for a moment that I would ever deprive you of the wonders of my daring escapades!"

"Jack, did it ever occur to you that just one of these times, that inexplicable luck of yours might eventually run out and by some inconceivable miracle you may not end up on top for once?"

"Don't be ridiculous James! I'm Cap-"

"Yes, yes we all know who you are, _savvy _" If you need me I'll be on deck captaining your vessel, while you're down here wasting your time on this inane dribble."

**)()(A wee bit later)()( **

"Well Sparrow, I was certain that little comment about captaining your ship would have coaxed you on deck, but it appears as if physical force is necessary, so I've recruited Gibbs to help- Sparrow, are you feeling well? You look rather pale, which is really something for you."

"D-dirt... big wheel...damn bloody we...wench."

"Dear God Sparrow, what's happened to you?"

"Norrington sir, what's wrong with the Captain?"

"No clue Gibbs, but I'm sure it has something to do with that damned machine of his. Sparrow! Look here Sparrow, what's gotten into you?"

"YOU STOLE MY HEART!!!"

"Good Heavens, those infernal slash stories have begun to affect his already barley-existent sanity! Gibbs, fetch me a barrel of cold water quickly!"

"Aye."

"Sparrow I need you to calm down!"

"Kissing and...and irons..."

"God, it's worse then I thoug-."

"...BLOODY GREAT OCTOPUS!!"

"Wait, what?!"

_(thud)_

"Sir, I've got the water. What's happened to the Captain!?"

"I'm afraid he's fainted. He was completely delusional. Screamed a bunch of nonsense and then passed right out. It must have been something he read."

"W-what was it, sir?"

"Hold on a moment and let me look...I don't believe it."

"What does it say?"

"I don't believe it. I...I win?"

"Huh?"

"I win.I win! I WIN!!!! IwinIwinIwinIwinIwinIwinIwinIwinIwinIwinwinIwinIwinIwinIwinI-"

_(thud)_

_(sigh_) "Guess I'll be needing another bucket then.

* * *

Aw, sorry Jack! Oh, and just so you all know, I firmly believe Norrington will somehow redeem himself in AWE for his actions at the end of DMC, so I thought he deserved to have a wee bit of fun. Too bad it got him so excited he passed out and won't get to gloat. Please review to let me know if you enjoyed it and have any ideas for future conversations! 


	3. Pirates of the DVDs

_A/N:_ Hello everyone. I apologize for not updating this (or any of my stories for that matter) sooner, but I've been crazy busy with my internship and whatnot. I knew I had to write this chapter after seeing POTC:AWE. I really enjoyed the movie overall, but spoilers I couldn't help but think that Norrington completely got the shaft. His character development was one of the only things I really loved about DMC, and to find out that he was only in AWE for a total of about two minutes in a uniform with so much gold brocade on it that Liberace wouldn't have worn it, only to get gored by Will's psycho starfish encrused daddy upset me to no end. It looked like they attempted to do him justice with the kiss and sticking it to Jones (which I admit I enjoyed) but it just looked like they tried to cram too much in the film and Norrington was sacrificed as a result. Wow, that was a bit of a rant, apologies! Anyway here's the chapter and hopefully I'll be quicker about updating in the future.

* * *

**We now join Jack and James as Jack has done what's only natural for a pirate with a computer, and downloaded a copy of a certain movie that hasn't left theaters yet...**

* * *

"Oh, come on."

"No."

"You can't stay in there forever, mate."

"I can damn well try Sparrow, and that is precisely what I intend to do."

"And what, pray tell, will locking yourself in the closet accomplish?"

"Well, for starters if I stay in here, I won't get BLOODY RUN THOUGH!!"

"Listen, I think we can both agree that there's a serious problem when I'm the voice of reason between the two of us."

"This your fault entirely! If it wasn't for you and that blasted computer of yours, I wouldn't be in here. In fact, if it wasn't for you, I would be bloody ALIVE RIGHT NOW!"

"Not to point out the obvious mate, but you are, in fact, alive right now."

"Well, as we've both seen, that will be remidied soon enough!Ugh! I should have known as soon as you said "Piracy" that it would mean trouble."

"In my defense, I had no clue what a pirated copy of a movie even was when I downloaded it. Pirating movies are a bit different then then actual pirating. Far less fun in my opinion. Less fighting and big explosions and whatnot."

"I'll consider them both equally despicable for the time being, thank you very much.Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to wallowing in self pity and pondering the injustices of the universe."

"I'll have you know, I'm not entirely enamored with how things turn out myself. I will once again find myself shipless, courtesy of none other then that wretched waste of humanity Barbossa. A man who, by the way, I quite clearly rememeber killing, which makes his stealing my ship a second time all the more cruel and unusual."

"Oh, well pardon me Sparrow. How positively rude of me to be upset about my own death when you will be left tragically shipless, most likely temporarily if your inexplicable and completely undeserved luck has anything to say about it."

"Sarcasm dually noted and ignored.You know, you've got a very bleak outlook on all this. Look at Barbossa, he's apparently alive and prepared to make my live misrable once again, and I've lost track of how many times I've been killed. There's still hope for you mate!"

"Doubtful. If there's one thing I've learned thoughout this series of misadventures, it's that fate apparently detests me, and will use every oppurtinity to prove it. I lost my fiancé to a blacksmith, lost my ship and commission to a hurricane, lost whatever was left of my dignity to you serving on this blasted ship, and will lose my life to a man who's more crustacean then human.

"Well, that's bleak outlook if you don't mind me saying so. You need to focus on the positives. At least you got to kiss Elizabeth, right? "

'...'

"There's a closet door between us, but considering your silence right now, would I be correct in assuming that you're currently fixing me with one of those patented, 'Norrington Glares of Death?'"

"You would indeed."

"Figured. In all honesty though, you go out fighting, die a hero, and become far more popular as a dead man then you ever were alive."

"Is this your attempt at comforting me, Sparrow? If so, I'd appreciate if you knockd me unconscious before you continue talking."

"Have it your way, but you get more fanfiction written about your afterlife then you ever had alive, and your forgetting one more very important thing."

"And what's that Sparrow, as if I really want to know."

"Sequels, mate."

* * *

I must admit that I myself have become an avid reader of pretty much anything that has to do with Norrington's afterlife, and though the making of additional sequels is unknown and I highly doubt he'd return even if they did make them, a girl can hope! It really is good to see all the stories about Norrington though. Even if the film seemed to forget about him a bit, the fans sure haven't! Please let me know what you thought, and feel free to let me know any suggestions for future chapters, comments, or even your thoughts on poor Norrie's fate in AWE. 


	4. The OCs

This inevitable chapter came about after scanning the first page of the POTC category on here to find 16 of the 25 stories contained OCs. I regret having to say this, but in my experience, there is rarely a difference between OCs and Mary Sues, and I tend to use the terms interchangeably. Of course there are wonderful, well written exceptions, but the vast majority aren't, and there are more and more of them everyday. Of course some stories require minor characters to be created, and this chapter is not meant to offend, just to entertain. I could make a lot of enemies with this chapter, but it must be done. MUST I SAY!

* * *

"Well, well look who finally decided to come out of the closet!" -snort- 

"I suppose I should have expected that. Though I had hoped after the whole slash incident, you'd be a bit more sensitive."

"James, there are far worse things out there then slash, and I've just discovered one. Behold if you dare, the horrors of original characters."

"Original characters? That doesn't sound so bad. At least not compared to some of the abhorrent things you've drudged up from the darkest depths of the internet."

"Oh, but it is. Because there is a particularly terrifying species of original character, the Mary Sue. A thinly veiled representation of the author who created them, they are flawless one-dimensional beings that manage to get whomever the author decides to fall madly in love with them, no matter how out-of-character it would be for said individual."

"People actually do that!?"

"Badly and prolifically."

"But, why?"

"Really, must you ask? When someone as charming and charismatic as myself comes along, it's only natural for people to long to escape their mundane, meaningless existences and dream of sailing off into the sunset with yours truly. Unfortunately, rather then keep these fantasies to themselves, they decide to share them with the world, and the worst part is, of all the thousands upon thousands of them out there, not one of them has ever gotten it right!"

"Well, what are these thousands of authors doing wrong besides deciding that they want their character to fall in love with you?"

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that last bit. First off, all those that get it right and have their characters be filthy rich usually make them lose or worse yet, abandon their vast and lovely fortunes for adventure on the high seas. It's utterly shameful. By the time they meet me, they've bartered their last shilling on passage to Tortuga, where I, lonely and vulnerable, am waiting to fall madly in love with them at first sight. Not even a ring on their bloody perfect fingers!"

"Well I can see how that would be rather appalling to you, Sparrow."

"Then there's the pirate captains..."

"Pirate captains?"

"Yes. Successful, strong, independent women who've somehow have managed to get an entire crew of the most devious, debacheruous, lecherous, cruel, vicious, and perverted men alive to respect and obey their every order."

"What could be wrong about a woman like that? Besides the obvious poor choice in career, of course. You two would have a lot in common."

"Precisely! Why in God's name would I be interested in someone who was in direct

competition with myself? I'd be far to busy trying to cheat, scam, swindle, and otherwise ruin any female pirate captains to fall in love with them. And if I did happen to fall in love with one, like so many stories insist, you'd come along and lock her up!"

"Well, thank goodness that's not the case. I'd have a much harder time sending convicted pirates to the gallows if they were of the fairer sex. I simply could not do it."

"Yes, conventional and traditional gentleman that you are. I however, am a forward thinking, progressive man who considers the sexes equal, and would have absolutely no problem blasting her ship to absolute pieces."

"Well, I must say Sparrow, this whole business is rather unnerving."

"I've barely scratched the surface of this disturbing genre. Princesses of forgotten lands, magical gypsies, sirens under spells, sisters and nieces and cousins and daughters of various characters, barmaids, housemaids, mermaids, maids of honor, whores with hearts of gold, stowaways, neglected orphans, lonely aristocrats, and my personal favorite, authors who have simply been sucked into the story by some weak plot device or another. They can sing like angels, have hair like spun silk, and have absurdly colored dazzling eyes that tend to change with their moods. And I fall in love with every single bloody one of them."

"Dear Lord!"

"Except, of course, for the ones that prefer Will or, Heaven help them, you."

"What?!"

"Don't think you're exempt from this."

"My God, I daresay this is worse then slash!"

"Not so fast, I haven't even gotten to their names! I've never seen anything like them. I do believe I've found a pattern though. It's usually some sort of precious gem for the first name, and if that gem in anyway resembles the ocean, then so much the better. Then the last is usually some facet of the character that the author so obviously wants the reader to pick up on, they stick it right in their bloody name. Aquamarine Destiny Trueheart, Sapphire Hope, Opal Mystery Stardustunicormsparklepants."

"This is a truly disturbing development. Can nothing be done?"

"Resistance is futile, I'm afraid. There's simply too many. But you know how the saying goes, if you can't beat them, join them...then beat them."

"I'm not entirely sure that's how it goes, but how exactly do you plan on doing it?"

"By making the greatest original character of them all. One I'd actually find attractive. Firstly the name. Hmm… how about something like...Edith T. McAmplebust."

"McAmplebust?"

"She's Scottish."

"Of course."

"As I was saying, Edith T. McAmplebust, the wealthy and naive distillery owner's daughter. That, my dear Commodore, is someone you could fall madly in love with...at least until I've been assured she's no longer wealthy or naive." -snicker-

"Sparrow, every time I think there is no conceivable way you could get anymore despicable, you prove me wrong in a most admittedly spectacular fashion."

"What can I say Commodore, I aim to impress."

* * *

Poor Norrie didn't have much in the way of dialogue this chapter (rest assured, he'll always get a few insults in) but I'll try to make up for it next chapter. Once again, apologies if this upset you, but, it had to be done!. Reviews greatly appreciated! Oh, and if this isn't enough Norrington-and-Jack-exploring-the-POTC-fandom, check out the delightful Sparrington spinoff "Norrington's Payback" by Jennifer Lynn Weston 


End file.
